From Perfectionism to Self-Acceptance With ADHD

Early Experiences of Perfectionism

I can remember feeling so anxious in PRIMARY school about having to be ‘perfect’, do EVERYTHING perfectly, get the perfect marks. Only recently, since my diagnosis, have I realized and admitted to myself that I actually felt I had to be the best or I was a failure. The sense of rejection from this would have been too great.

The Pressure of Perfection

When I started my inner work, I could go back and literally FEEL it: the pressure, the fear, the NEED to do it well. I realized that this was the exact same feeling I often felt now. Now I understand how beliefs are created, how our subconscious works, AND how ADHD shows up, I can COMPLETELY SEE why it has been there throughout my life.

Realising the Futility of Perfectionism

I have worked on this so much because I really do believe now that PERFECTIONISM is a complete waste of energy and is impossible. If we are always striving for perfection, we will NEVER be happy as we will never achieve it.

Family Support and Self-Pressure

I was always told by my amazing Mam and Dad for as long as I can remember that MY BEST WAS ALWAYS GOOD ENOUGH. They NEVER put any pressure on me academically or with anything. But to be fair, they didn’t need to because I was doing that myself anyway. This was one thing I saw repeated in my girls and just assumed ‘they were like me, had my traits,’ but now I know is very likely to be part of their ADHD symptoms too.

Academic Struggles and Support

I was fairly bright, but I had to work hard for it; it didn’t come naturally to me. I can remember all the way through school studying hard, working hard, and often finding it hard. My lovely friend, who I used to sit next to all the way through Middle School and High School, was a rock. She was always so patient and kind to me and would explain it all to me when I just didn’t understand.

The Challenges of ADHD in School

I would often mind wander or miss the main cue in the lesson, and I can remember every time going into deep panic about this, knowing I wouldn’t understand how to do it if I didn’t follow thoroughly. And I always had to have an example! I carried on being really strict with myself, making sure I studied. I would procrastinate and then hyperfocus, and sometimes I literally could not read the exam papers because I was so anxious. I did well, but on reflection, it came at a cost, and I would push myself to the limit – ALL TO TRY AND BE PERFECT.

Fear of Failure and Judgement

The fear of failure became very real, and entwined in that came a fear of judgement: what would others think if I did fail? When you have ADHD, this can be crippling.

The O Levels Experience

When I was doing my ‘O levels’ (showing my age now!), I studied so hard. I created a timetable, and as much as procrastination was constantly there, my dopamine hit came from knowing if I did well in my O Levels, I wouldn’t have to EVER go back to school. That was huge for me because, by the time I got to high school, I really hated school (I found it hard work!) and stressful.

Navigating Academic Expectations

My dad was disappointed that I did not want to go on to do A levels and a degree, but I knew in my heart that it would probably break me, and I was also dying to get into the world of employment. I promised him that I would stay on if I didn’t have a job to go on to and that whatever I did, I would take internal exams. I knew that unless I was really interested in a subject and could hyperfocus, I would struggle to get a good grade. At the school where I went in Newcastle, very few people went on to do 6th form and A levels. And I LOVED Newcastle and did not really want to leave it. With hindsight, this may be one thing I would change now, but I also know I have learned a HUGE amount from my employment journey that I probably never would have if I had taken the degree route at that time.

Transition to Employment

I went on to get a job in Banking (before I even left school) and did a BTEC National Diploma in Banking on day release, which actually was the equivalent of an A level anyway.

Advice for Parents of Neurodiverse Children

If there is one bit of advice I can give any parent of neurodiverse children, it would be to allow them to do what they love. We are not good at doing what we don’t love and thrive in and enjoy. When we feel like this, our ADHD traits kick in even harder, and our ADHD starts driving the bus.

Facing Challenges During Exams

My O Levels came, and on the day of my English Language paper, I had my period. I was predicted an A/B in English Language – I LOVED it. I remember going into that exam and feeling absolutely awful. We had one paper in the morning and one in the afternoon, and I had such bad cramp I literally could not see. I can still remember being sat in the exam and just not being able to think! I could not think of anything, and I was in agony. Now I know the effect of oestrogen on our dopamine levels, I understand why this may be the case more.

Dealing with Disappointment and Shame

I came out of it, saw my teacher, and said I just could not do that, and the shame and disappointment I felt was unbearable. She laughed and said, “You can do that no problem, it will be fine,” but I just knew it wasn’t. And that feeling stayed with me until results day! The night before, I dreamt that I opened my results and passed the first subject and then failed the rest. In fact, what happened was I did awful in the first one (English Language) and really well in the rest. I had 2 x A’s, 5 x B’s, and 1 x C, and then my English Language was a D. I mean, even writing this now makes me feel ashamed and brings back so many feelings of shame and disappointment, but I have worked a lot on this memory with subconscious clearing. I do know and understand the reasons behind it now and feel so sad and sorry for the younger me who had absolutely tried her best, and yet it didn’t feel enough or good enough. When people say think of a day you felt so proud of yourself, sadly for me this day I felt nothing but shame and embarrassment. I did go on to resit the exam and got a ‘B’ the next time!!

Accepting ADHD Traits

Another area where I know I felt huge shame not knowing was my ADHD is jobs in the house. I have got to say, now I laugh about it, and it has become an area where I have now completely accepted my ADHD traits. But for a woman growing up in the generation I did, this did bring a huge amount of shame for me, and I am sure I do not stand alone in this.

Struggling with Household Tasks

I just could not get how I could not, NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRIED, get the house to look neat and tidy when I did it. And the random way in which I would clean would drive me and everyone else around me completely mad. I would start one task, think about another in the middle, go and start that one, find another job that needed to be done in this, and start that, and NEVER finish one off before I started another. I would get there, but in my own very long-winded way. This I know now is a classic ADHD trait because of our Executive Functioning.

Understanding Executive Functioning

Executive function is an umbrella term that refers to the management systems of the brain. Executive function and self-regulation skills are the mental processes that enable us to plan, focus attention, remember instructions, and juggle multiple tasks successfully. When we have ADHD, our executive functioning is affected. Neuroimaging has shown structural and functional differences in the prefrontal cortex of individuals with ADHD.

Improving Family Dynamics

I have to say this IS where I feel my ADHD a lot, but now I understand about this, I completely accept it as it is, and I laugh about it rather than cry or carry out lots of negative self-talk around it. As my husband is very logical and very tidy, this used to cause big problems and arguments in our house and relationship, which led to me feeling like my best was never good enough and because of what we now know as the lovely Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, used to leave me feeling completely useless. This was absolutely an area where I constantly asked myself, “Why can’t I just?” I genuinely felt a whole lot of ‘shame’ around being a woman and not being able to keep the home as tidy as I wanted it to be. And understandably, he didn’t get either, “Why I just couldn’t?”

The Importance of Understanding ADHD

Our girls’ diagnosis and then subsequently mine have led to a far more harmonious, compassionate house. I can’t stress enough the difference this has made in my marriage. I truly can’t! My husband took the time to understand ADHD, and now we work soooo well together, and his approach to when I am completely overwhelmed in this area in my life is significantly different and so very loving and caring. In response to that, I am not getting as stressed or anxious about it all, and this in turn stops my ADHD from driving the bus and ruling the show. Our marriage, I can honestly say, is the BEST it has been, and I am so grateful for this and him. I cannot say enough how understanding your ADHD MATTERS. Helping those around you understand your ADHD also plays a huge part in living authentically as you and not having to ‘mask’ or feel worthless because you cannot do something your ADHD prevents. Communication is key.

Finding Community and Support

From talking to others with ADHD, it does seem to be extremes in this area (you are either like me or have to have it tidy!). Again, this highlights how everyone’s ADHD experience is unique to them because it is genetic. And that is why I also feel it is so important to have a community around you who gets you. This is why I have created my group coaching programme, “I have ADHD now what?”

Embracing Self-Acceptance

Being with people who are going through similar and just get you is so liberating and freeing. All of the above highlights why I am so passionate about helping women with long-term undiagnosed ADHD. The pressure we have put on ourselves internally is HUGE! And that feeling of just never being enough and the fear of failure can be so draining. Once you truly understand your ADHD, you can release this and be so much kinder to yourself. We can clear the beliefs and negative energy stored in our body affecting how we feel about ourselves, accept ourselves, and press the RESET button. I can’t make your ADHD go away, but I definitely can change how you feel about it, yourself, and how you manage it so you can live your best life feeling happy, confident, and authentically you. Why would you not want that?